Gaslighting: An Act. A Manipulation. A Game

Manoeuvre or Walk Away

“I don’t know if I’m crazy”, I said. “I don’t know if I’m the crazy one, or if she is.” I paced the room with frustration. Anger. Distrust. I didn’t know what to feel. I was completely baffled.

“How could she pretend like nothing happened?” I tried to laugh but only managed a muffled choke.

I paced the room.

“I mean COME ON! I literally had to run away! I kept looking back. I was scared! Then she just texts me two hours later and says: she’s home if I want to come over!” My arms flailed. My feet froze. My eyes widened. I couldn’t stop repeating the scene in my mind. It played over and over and over.

I shook my head, willing my brain to stop. But I couldn’t. I was hooked. I paced the room again, my feet now free from the restraint, but my mind still shackled.

I paced the room. 

“Come over? After everything? Like nothing happened!” I was talking to myself at this point. I didn’t know if I was even making sense.

My mind raced. I paced the room. I had paced it for hours, maybe. I paced fast, hoping for some answers. Nothing came. The eyes watched me. Sad and hurt. Not knowing what to say, or what to do. They just listened, calmly.

My chest hurt. I felt claws making their way up my throat, one stab at a time. They clawed, slowly trying to make their way out.

My voice suddenly grew louder “How does she expect me to pretend like everything is OK? And that she didn’t just HURT ME!”

I was now overtaken by rage. I felt something in me was going to burst. It had to be let out. I heard my voice shriek “SHE YELLED AT ME! SHE HIT ME! SHE THREATENED ME!”

The claws were almost at my teeth.

“THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED! AND HOW DARE SHE DISREGARD IT! HOW DARE SHE!”

The claws grabbed my jaw. My feet froze. I fell silent. The eyes watched. I avoided them.

“AHH!!!” I screamed with pain and frustration. With anger and hurt.

“AHH!!!!!” The claws climbed out. I watched them crawl away. I felt drained.

Silence.

“Isn’t that what happened?” I heard myself whisper.

Silence.

“Am I going crazy?” a shaky whisper. I was afraid of the answer.

I closed my eyes and sobbed as the pain brought me to my knees.

********

This was my life before I sought help; pain and confusion were my constant companions. This was my life before I learnt about gaslighting. This was all before I learnt that I was a victim.

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True, False, or Fake?

I spent years exhausted, confused and never comprehending the reality I was in. The reality was that I was being gaslit and I had no idea.

Back then, I wish someone had told me.

I wish someone had told me that I was a victim.
I wish someone had told me, years ago, that I was not the problem.
I wish someone had told me that I was blinded by… love? A good act that happened once in a blue moon? ... manipulation.
I wish someone had long told me that I was stuck with a person who enjoyed control, at any expense.
I wish someone had told me how I was handled by a person who easily and effortlessly went from blaming, guilt-tripping, and threatening, to suddenly pretending like nothing had happened.

A person who would hold my hand in public, and then demean me in private.
A person who would call me darling out loud, and whisper threats in my ear; threats denied when confronted with.
A person who would mock me, attack me with accusations, guilt me with blame, and then simply shrug and say that I was being silly and that I was overreacting.
A person who watched me eat myself alive, and enjoyed it.
A person who made me doubt my sanity, my mind, my memory, and my feelings.

I would ask myself if I am as weak as they say I am.
As sensitive as they criticize me to be.
As illogical as they accuse me to be. 

I wish someone had told me I was being gaslit.  

So now, I want to tell you the truths of gaslighting.

Maybe you’re on this page for a reason. Reading. Reflecting. Wondering.

Let me start by telling you: You are not crazy.

It’s Not Me, It’s You.

You might see yourself, or someone you know, in the story above. The story aims to help you understand what I have finally understood, after years of unneeded apologies and relentless indignity. I finally understood what is referred to as “gaslighting”. This saved me from myself and from an apparent toxic relationship I was in. Now I know. Now I understand: I am not crazy.

Today, I share this information with you to spread awareness of a behaviour that often goes unnoticed or disregarded. You may need to reflect on this yourself, or you may know someone else who is going through a similar situation. Even if it doesn't directly affect you or anyone you know, raising awareness on the issue of gaslighting is crucial. Had I known these facts years ago, I am certain things would’ve been different, and perhaps I would’ve been different. To quote Najway Zebian: “They [gaslighters] do everything to dim your light, and then they ask you why you’re not shining.”

I shine now, but I could’ve shone years ago. It is what they say though: It is better late than never.

Today, after reading this, if you were ever in the dark, I hope you get to shine now too. 

Gaslighting: A Friend in Disguise

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. Similar to the story above, events will draw out a pattern where gaslighters will often tend to:

• Invalidate the victim’s experience; claim the victim is exaggerating or imagining things.
• Make their victims question their own memory, perception, or sanity.
• Deny/twist the truth.
• Belittle the victims.
• Present false information causing the victim to doubt their own perception and reality.
• Downplay the victim’s concerns and dismisses their feelings.
• Blame the victim and make them feel inadequate.
• Project their own faults onto the victim.
• Manipulate the victim.

Gaslighters may present themselves as family, friends, or trusted individuals to their victims. This is why it might not be very easy for victims to recognize the manipulation tactics being used against them. Inevitably, gaslighters’ actions are ultimately driven by a desire to manipulate and control rather than genuine friendship or concern.

Fortunately, however, there is a way out. When victims ask for help, become more aware of their situation, and receive the needed support, they often recognize the presence and effects of gaslighting and begin to seek distance and assistance to put an end to the detrimental cycle they’re in.

Fun Fact

The term "gaslighting" originates from the 1938 play "Gas Light", in which a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is going insane by dimming the gaslights in their home and then denying that the lights are flickering when she notices.

Telltale Signs

It’s important to note that relationships can pass through some conflicts and arguments. However, if incidents keep happening where you are constantly wondering:

• What is the truth, really?
• Am I going mad?
• Am I really overreacting?
• Did this happen?

Seek help to assess for signs of manipulation. Consider your options, and present your facts, but remember: listen and trust your gut. As Najwa Zebian wisely stated, “When they don’t like that you speak the truth, they will try to change your reality. They will create a world where your truth is considered insanity.”

You can consider some of the questions below to reflect on the matter deeper:

1. Does someone often make you doubt your own perceptions or memories?
2. Does someone frequently accuse you of being too sensitive or always overreacting?
3. Do you often feel confused or disoriented after interactions with a particular person or group?
4. Does someone often tell you that your feelings or concerns are irrational or unfounded?
5. Are you constantly defending yourself or your actions against accusations that seem exaggerated or false?
6. Do you feel isolated or alone, with no one to validate your experiences or feelings?
7. Have you noticed a pattern of someone denying things they've said or done, even when there is evidence to the contrary?
8. Are you frequently made to feel guilty or ashamed for expressing your needs or desires?
9. Do you feel like you're losing your sense of identity or self-confidence?
10. Are there inconsistencies or contradictions in the explanations given to you by the person or people you suspect of gaslighting you?
11. Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval or validation from the person or people you suspect gaslight you?
12. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around them, afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing?
13. Have you noticed a change in your behavior or mental health since interacting with the person or people you suspect are gaslighting you?

Reflecting on these questions can help you identify potential signs of gaslighting. You can then choose to take the needed steps to address the situation.

Fight or Flight

If you find yourself in a relationship with warning signs of gaslighting, remember that you are not helpless, and it is never too late to take action.

• You can choose to set boundaries with the person/people whom you feel are gaslighting you.
• You can seek support from trusted friends
• If you feel you’re having trouble trusting friends or family, you can seek help from professionals.
• You can also remove yourself completely from the toxic relationship or environment you are in.

Remember, now, YOU are in control.

Nothing Matters but You

While gaslighting may be subtle, it does not make it any less of a damaging form of psychological manipulation that can deeply impact one’s perceptions of reality, self-esteem, and mental well-being. By recognizing the signs and patterns of gaslighting, we can begin to regain our actions, understand the real truth, and protect ourselves from gaslighting’s harmful effects. Remember to trust your instincts, seek support from trusted friends or professionals when needed, and prioritize your mental health.

Your truth matters, and you deserve to be seen and heard.